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Script to Screen: The Happiness Patrol

By Jon Preddle

It is well documented that many of the McCoy stories were over-length, requiring heavy editing to bring the episodes to within the BBC standard of 24 and a half minutes. The Happiness Patrol is no exception, and is without question the story that lost the most recorded material in the course of this editing. The amount of material cut almost adds up to a complete episode, giving the impression that the story was originally a four-parter.

The Happiness Patrol was Graeme Curry's first script for television. The young writer sent a radio script about football to Andrew Cartmel in early 1987 when the script editor was interviewing writers for both Season 24 and Season 25. Curry did not consider himself to be a science fiction writer, but nevertheless in February 1987 he met with Cartmel for the first time to discuss possible Doctor Who plots. After several false starts Curry eventually had accepted a storyline for a Thatcherist satire set on a planet where people are executed if they are not happy. He was commissioned that autumn for Season 25.

For several months The Happiness Patrol was also referred to as The Crooked Smile but JNT preferred the original title. Two other unofficial titles, The Malpeth and Malopath, have also been connected with the story.

The final scripts were finished in time for the read-through in July 1988. In an earlier draft, the action took place over several days, but in tightening the plot, the duration was condensed into one single night.

The following analysis of the missing segments is made using reference to the final set of BBC rehearsal scripts which are dated April 1988. Several changes were made to the final rehearsal scripts before recording commenced.

One major change concerned the Terra Alphan prison, Arcadia, presided over by a male character called 'The Warder'. Budget restrictions simply didn't justify the construction of this set for the limited number of scenes that took place there. Instead, a corner of the existing street set was redressed to become the various 'Waiting Zones'. Because the tone of the new 'prison' area had changed all scenes set in Arcadia were completely rewritten and a Happiness Patrol member called PRISCILLA P, who doesn't appear until Part Two, was 'promoted' to Waiting Zone guard duty in place of the Warder. The scripts examined here have the Arcadia scenes intact.

A comparison of scene totals reveals that Part One had 43 scripted scenes but only 36 televised ones, Part Two had 55 scripted scenes and 43 TV; and Part Three 56 scripted and 45 TV.

After the first edit the story was found to be vastly over-length. A second edit to remove surplus scenes was conducted on all three episodes, followed by a third edit on Parts One and Three.

Duration Timings:

 First EditSecond EditThird Edit
Part One34'00"25'58"24'30" (TV)
Part Two29'36"24'28" (TV) 
Part Three27'23"?????24'25" (TV)

The last timing listed for each part corresponds to the broadcast version.

The BBC retains all the different edits of the episodes making an extended DVD release a future possibility.

Graeme Curry's 1990 novelisation is basically a mixture of the final televised version and the original rehearsal scripts containing a number of the scenes that were edited from the televised version. The relevant page numbers appear in brackets.

PART ONE

The very first scene in the script is cut. It was simply a model shot of a planet. The script describes the colours and the configurations of the satellites to be distinctively different from that of Earth in order to quickly establish that the story takes place on another planet. The model of the planet can be seen in Part Three as Gilbert's shuttle takes off, so it is likely that this static planet shot for Part One was filmed alongside the Part Three sequence.

The Doctor and Ace meet Trevor Sigma in the street outside the Kandy Kitchen. While the Doctor talks to the Census officer, Ace can be seen slipping away to investigate the smell she detected earlier. This leads directly into a cut scene where Ace enters the Kandy Kitchen. The Kitchen is described as being decorated with skulls and grinning Jack-O-Lanterns, a detail not on screen.

ACE: Well weird.
(OUTSIDE, THE DOCTOR AND TREVOR SIGMA CONTINUE TALKING)
DOCTOR: So what you're saying is that you're conducting a census of the entire planet.
TREVOR: Enquiries of that nature have to be referred back to the appropriate department at the Galactic Centre. Messages may be left at weekends, except in emergencies in which case the Sector Manager... is available...
DOCTOR: Well, it's been lovely talking to you, but Ace is probably in danger by now. Bye now!
(HE DOFFS HIS HAT AND ENTERS THE KITCHEN, WHERE ACE IS EXAMINING THE CONTROL LEVERS, TRACING THE MECHANISM TOWARDS A SERIES OF LARGE PIPES. SHE IS JUST ABOUT TO PULL ONE OF THE LEVERS WHEN THE DOCTOR WALKS IN)
ACE: Professor, what do you think happens if I pull this?
(THE DOCTOR CATCHES HER HAND BEFORE SHE CAN DO SO)
DOCTOR: I don't know, Ace. And I don't intend to find out just yet.
ACE: Oh, Professor!
DOCTOR: Anyway, I thought you came in here because you were hungry.
ACE: Yeah, that's right.
(SHE MAKES A MOVE TOWARDS THE OVENS. THE DOCTOR STOPS HER)
DOCTOR: But you're not having anything to eat, either.
(AS HE GUIDES ACE TO THE DOOR, A MANHOLE LID BY THE WALL SLOWLY LIFTS. THE DOCTOR SENSES THIS AND TURNS. THE LID SLAMS SHUT)
ACE: What is it, Professor?
DOCTOR: Nothing.
(THEY WALK OUT)

{Novel, p12-13}

The next scripted scene is Earl Sigma's introduction. The script has him playing a trumpet; this has become a harmonica on TV. The Happiness Patrol drive by and he changes his sombre tune to a happier one. He is given a 'smiley face' sticker by Daisy K. In the editing of the episode, this scene has been placed near the end of the episode {Novel, p13}

After this comes another cut scene.

(THE DOCTOR AND ACE ARRIVE IN THE EXECUTION YARD. IT IS DECORATED WITH BALLOONS AS IF FOR A PARTY. THE YARD IS DOMINATED BY A LARGE PIPE SUSPENDED FROM THE ROOF)
ACE: Looks like someone's having a party. Can we go, Professor?
DOCTOR: We haven't been invited, Ace.
ACE: We can crash it.
(THE DOCTOR POKES HIS UMBRELLA INTO THE PIPE MOUTH)
DOCTOR: We don't crash parties. And we especially don't crash this one.
(HE EXTRACTS HIS UMBRELLA. IT IS COVERED IN A STICKY SUBSTANCE, WHICH HE TASTES)
DOCTOR: It's sweet.
ACE: Sweet?

{Novel, p14-15}

The very next scene is also cut, and is the Kandy Man's first scene. Graeme Curry's description of the Kandy Man is vastly different to the Licorice Allsorts appearance on TV, and has been retained for the novel

(TREVOR SIGMA MEETS WITH GILBERT M IN THE KANDY KITCHEN)
GILBERT M: Restructuring?
TREVOR: The whole Bureau. Top to bottom.
GILBERT M: I envy you, Trevor.
TREVOR: Ten thousand new grades have been created and every decision now has to pass through five hundred new committees. You can imagine the extra paperwork.
GILBERT M: You must be thrilled.
TREVOR: The Bureau's moving into uncharted territory, Gilbert. I'm just happy to be aboard.
GILBERT M: Exciting. So what can I do for you?
TREVOR: You remember last time I came I wasn't able to interview a certain person. I thought if I tried again he might be more co-operative.
GILBERT M: I don't know. A certain person is becoming increasingly difficult to handle.
(THE KANDY MAN ENTERS. HE IS HUMANOID BUT NOT HUMAN. HE IS CHUBBY AND JOLLY-LOOKING BUT TALL AND POWERFUL. THE COLOUR OF HIS SKIN AND LIPS SHOULD SUGGEST SWEETS AND SUGAR CONFECTIONS RATHER THAN HUMAN FLESH. HE WEARS A WHITE LAB COAT, A BOW-TIE AND RED FRAMED MOVIE STAR GLASSES - THESE AND OTHER ARTICLES OF HIS APPAREL (THE PENS IN HIS POCKET ETC) ARE ALSO MADE OF CANDY)
KANDY MAN: Is he indeed?
TREVOR: Kandy Man!
KANDY MAN: A certain person's patience is wearing thin. Now go!
(TREVOR SCUTTLES OUT)
GILBERT M: It was just a few questions.
KANDY MAN: I don't give interviews.
(THE KANDY MAN SUAVELY REMOVES HIS GLASSES AND TAKES A BITE OUT OF THEM)

{Novel, p15-16}

The Doctor and Ace find the pink TARDIS, and are confronted by the Happiness Patrol for the first time. When Daisy K blasts the lamp on the top of the TARDIS the script has the Doctor say 'Not to worry. I've been meaning to change that bulb for ages.' The scripted scene differs from this point. After the Doctor and Ace reveal they are off-worlders, Daisy K produces a box of chocolates.

(SHE OFFERS THE BOX TO ACE, WHO TAKES ONE)
ACE: Thanks. I'm starving.
(THE BOX IS OFFERED TO THE DOCTOR)
DAISY K: Take one.
DOCTOR: I will. I'm just not very good at deciding.
DAISY K: Wait!
(SHE SNATCHES AWAY THE BOX. THE PATROL RAISE THEIR GUNS)
DAISY K: Where's your badge?
DOCTOR: My badge?
DAISY K: All offworld personnel are given a free badge at customs. (TO ACE) And you. I haven't seen any of your badges before.
ACE: This one's Charlton Athletic.
DOCTOR: (HASTILY) These are all awards from other worlds. Ace's talents are recognised throughout the universe.
DAISY K: Can she entertain?
ACE: What?
DOCTOR: Of course she can. This one's for tap dancing, this one's for car maintenance, this one's for her comedy act, this one's...
DAISY K: That will do! You still haven't explained the absence of your badge.
DOCTOR: My badge, my badge... Now what did I do with my badge. Of course!
(THE DOCTOR SUDDENLY GOES INTO A SPIN WITH ACE AND COMES OUT WEARING HER JACKET)
DOCTOR: There we are. This one was given to me by the Stroathans of the globular cluster of Storaz. This one's for my work in advancing the theory of...
DAISY K: That's enough! Take them both to Arcadia. He's a spy. Helen A will no doubt have plans for him. As for the other one, if what the spy says is true she's perfect Happiness Patrol material.
ACE: Happiness Patrol? What's that, Doctor?
DOCTOR: No laughing matter.

The Doctor and Ace are taken to prison. As mentioned before, the scripted scenes set in Arcadia were switched to the Waiting Zone for TV:

(ARCADIA IS ACCESSED BY AN ENTRY CHUTE. THE DOCTOR AND ACE SLIDE DOWN, AND MEET HAROLD V WHO IS PLAYING ONE OF SEVERAL ARCADE GAMES LINING THE WALLS)
ACE: So where exactly are we? It looks just like a...
HAROLD V: It's clever, isn't it? It looks just like an amusement arcade. Until, that is, you try and get out of it.
(THE WARDER MUNCHES ON SWEETS)
WARDER: Come on you lot. We don't put you in here so that you can mope around. Harold V, show him how to play 'Get Happy'.
ACE: 'Get Happy'?
WARDER: That's what I said. 'Get Happy'. And that applies to you, too.

On TV this is replaced by the sequence where the Doctor approaches PRISCILLA P and is told he will be shot if he crosses over the line.

The next Waiting Zone sequence on TV, where Ace and Harold V discuss the Kandy Man, which ends with Harold's line about Helen A favouring the firing squad, is different in the script:

ACE: They've got enough games in here.
HAROLD V: Confiscated property. They all used to belong to convicted killjoys. They weren't having enough fun with them.
DOCTOR: So, some of those games were real once?
(HAROLD V'S GAME ENDS, AND HELEN A'S FACE APPEARS ON THE SCREEN)
HELEN A: Enjoy yourself! Do you want another game?
HAROLD: (TO THE DOCTOR) Do you want to be the Happiness Patrol or the killjoy?
DOCTOR: I don't really want to be either. (QUIETLY TO ACE) Ace, go and have a careful look at the other games.
(ACE GOES)
HAROLD: (INDICATES WARDER) He hates people having a bad time.
DOCTOR: All right. I'll be the killjoy.
HAROLD V: I'm afraid the killjoy never wins.
DOCTOR: I didn't think he would.
HAROLD V: So the game's about whether the Happiness Patrol deal with you on the spot or take you away.
DOCTOR: Like your brother, you mean.
HAROLD V: Yes.
DOCTOR: Where do you think he is?
HAROLD V: I don't know. Somewhere out of earshot. Humour has it that Helen A favours the firing squad.

This last line is retained on TV.

After the Waiting Zone scene that ends with Harold V's line that the Kandy Man 'makes sweets' there is a scene cut.

(THE KANDY MAN IS CHOPPING UP INGREDIENTS FOR ONE OF HIS SWEETS. HE ACCIDENTALLY BRINGS THE KNIFE DOWN ON HIS HAND AND HIS THUMB COMES AWAY. HE IS IRRITATED BY THIS MINOR INCONVENIENCE)
KANDY MAN: Drat!
(HE PUTS DOWN THE KNIFE AND STICKS HIS THUMB BACK ON HIS HAND. HE WIGGLES IT TO CHECK IT IS IN GOOD WORKING ORDER)

{novel, p28-29)

The very next scene, set in Arcadia, is replaced on TV by five new scenes being the scene where the Doctor and Ace discuss escaping; Helen A presses the button that kills Harold V; Ace gets riled as PRISCILLA P cracks puns about Harold's shocking death; a brief scene with Gilbert and the Kandy Man; ending with the Doctor realising the Waiting Zone go-kart to be booby-trapped. Here is the scripted scene.

(HAROLD AND THE DOCTOR TOGETHER, ARE STILL DISCUSSING THE KANDY MAN. ACE EXAMINES THE NEARBY GO-KART GAME)
DOCTOR: He sounds an interesting sort of fellow. I shall look forward to meeting him.
HAROLD V: Then you can give him my regards, Doctor, because I don't intend hanging around to be introduced. I'm getting out of here.
DOCTOR: Are you sure that's wise?
HAROLD V: Look around. Helen A's so keen that we should enjoy ourselves that we're not guarded properly. I don't think he'll put up much of a fight.
DOCTOR: I'd be careful. Helen A doesn't sound the type to skimp on security.
HAROLD V: We'll just have to see, won't we? Nice talking to you, Doctor.
(HE SUDDENLY LEAPS UP AND MAKES A BREAK FOR THE DOOR. THE DOCTOR TRIES TO HOLD HIM BACK BUT HAROLD IS TOO QUICK. HELEN A'S FACE APPEARS ON A SCREEN)
HELEN A: Enjoy yourself! Would you like another game?
(AS SHE SAYS THIS, SPACE INVADER TYPE MACHINES JUMP INTO LIFE, MAKING LOTS OF SPACE INVADER NOISES. LASER BEAMS SUDDENLY SHOOT OUT AND CUT HAROLD DOWN. THE DOCTOR AND ACE RUN OVER TO HIM BUT IT IS TOO LATE. THE WARDER ARRIVES)
ACE: Strewth.
WARDER: That's right folks, the excitement's over. Go and have a go on the go-kart game. The idea is to run over fleeing killjoys. My record's twenty-three. See if you can beat it.
DOCTOR: (DISGUSTED) No thanks. We've finished playing.

The next Arcadia scene is replaced on TV by the scene set in the Waiting Zone where the Doctor and Ace succeed in deactivating the bomb hidden in the Happiness Patrol happicar:

(THE DOCTOR SITS IN THE COCKPIT OF THE GO-KART GAME. ACE HAS TAKEN THE DASHBOARD OFF AND IS FIDDLING WITH THE INNARDS. THE WARDER COMES OVER)
WARDER: Changed your mind then, have you? I knew you'd like this one.
(ACE QUICKLY REPLACES THE DASHBOARD)
ACE: I'm just getting the hang of it.
WARDER: So how many killjoys have you pulped?
DOCTOR: None yet, but we've just worked out a system.
WARDER: Well, that's all for today. I've got a couple of Happiness Patrol outside.
ACE: We just need one more go.
WARDER: Sorry. Orders are orders.
DOCTOR: I think I could beat your record.
WARDER: Now you're talking. You look like a gambling man, Doctor. Twenty zolphigs says you can't...
DOCTOR: You're on.
WARDER: You've got thirty seconds.
(HE OFFERS THE DOCTOR A SWEET)
WARDER: Strawberry fondant?
DOCTOR: No thanks. Not while I'm driving.
(THE DOCTOR INSERTS HIS UMBRELLA INTO THE MACHINE AND USES IT AS A STARTING CRANK. ACE LEAPS ABOARD. THE WHOLE GAME SUDDENLY UPROOTS ITSELF AND CAREERS TOWARDS THE DOCTOR. THE WARDER DOESN'T MOVE, AMAZED. HELEN A APPEARS ON THE GO-KART MONITOR)
HELEN A: Enjoy yourself!
(THE DOCTOR AND ACE SINK INTO THE COCKPIT AS THE OTHER GAMES FIRE ON THEM. HE DOFFS HIS HAT TO ONE OF THE MONITORS)
DOCTOR: Thanks. We'll try!
(THE GO-KART TAKES OFF JUST AS THE HAPPINESS PATROL GUARD, SUSAN Q, COMES SLIDING DOWN THE CHUTE, CLUTCHING ACE'S RUCKSACK)
SUSAN Q: I'm supposed to be collecting a Happiness Patrol recruit called Ace Sigma.
WARDER: You just missed her.

After this comes a cut scene in Helen A's office suite:

HELEN A: So how did the spy escape?
DAISY K: He escaped on one of the games. The girl went with him.
HELEN A: I'm feeling a little tired this afternoon, Daisy K. Don't try my patience.
DAISY K: It wasn't my fault. I'd sent Susan Q to collect the girl.
HELEN A: You're a valuable member of our team, Daisy K, but you need to sharpen up. You're getting to be a little bit careless.
DAISY K: But I'm always most...
HELEN A: You wouldn't like to be Daisy L again, would you?
DAISY K: No ma'am.
HELEN A: Then don't let me down.

This leads directly into a scene that has been shortened on TV:

(THE GO-KART HAS BROKEN DOWN. ACE IS UNDERNEATH, HER FEET STICKING OUT. THE DOCTOR WATCHES)
DOCTOR: What's wrong with it?
ACE: I don't know yet. I think it may take some time.
(THE DOCTOR CONSULTS HIS WATCH)
DOCTOR: Time is what we don't have. Let me have a look.
(HE SLIDES UNDER WITH ACE)
ACE: What's the verdict, Professor?
DOCTOR: I think it may take some time.
(ACE SLIDES OUT FROM UNDER THE KART)

It is here that the TV scene comes in as Ace sees the Happiness Patrol approaching and is captured.

The sequence after the TV scene where the Doctor is chased by the Patrol in the go-kart is cut.

(SUSAN Q IS ESCORTING ACE DOWN THE STREET)
ACE: What's your name, then? Valerie V? Zelda Z? Wendy double-
SUSAN Q: Quiet!
(THEY STOP. THE SOUNDS OF EARL SIGMA'S BLUES CAN BE HEARD FAINTLY)
SUSAN Q: Do you hear the trumpeter?
ACE: He sounds sad.
SUSAN Q: Yes, he does.
ACE: So you want to arrest him, put him in jail, shoot him...
SUSAN Q: I just want to listen to him.
ACE: Eh?
SUSAN Q: I like it I used to have a collection of blues 78's which came from old Earth. I had to destroy them when I was vetted for the Happiness Patrol. All except one. Big Joe Turner singing "Lucille".
ACE: And you managed to hide it from them.
SUSAN Q: No. They found it.
ACE: Oh.
SUSAN Q: Susan Q.
ACE: What?
SUSAN Q: My name. It used to be Susan L.
ACE: But you're all right? They haven't done anything to you?
SUSAN Q: No. Not yet.

{Novel, p38-39}

Two short scripted scenes with the Doctor in the go-kart are cut. The car starts to misfire then eventually stops altogether.

The scene on TV where Susan Q tells Ace about waking up one morning, which ends with her letting Ace escape, is very different in the script.

(ACE IS SITTING ALONE IN HAPPINESS PATROL HQ. A GUARD COMES DOWN THE ACCESS FIRE POLE AND WALKS TO THE EXIT. SHE UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND GOES OUT. SUSAN Q COMES THROUGH THE DOOR AND LOCKS IT BEHIND HER. SHE IS CARRYING VARIOUS OBJECTS WHICH SHE SETS DOWN IN FRONT OF HER)
SUSAN Q: Let's see. Tap dance taps, snorkel, telephone book, musical triangle. masking tape, sandpaper. I think that's it.
ACE: What about the boxing gloves?
SUSAN Q: I don't remember those. Are they important?
ACE: Vital.
(SUSAN Q SIGHS AND TURNS TO GO)
SUSAN Q: Your specialty act had better be good.
ACE: You'll love it.
(SUSAN LEAVES AND LOCKS THE DOOR. ACE DISCARDS ALL THE OBJECTS EXCEPT THE SANDPAPER AND MASKING TAPE. SHE SWIFTLY TAPES SOME SANDPAPER TO HER SHOES AND A PIECE TO EACH HAND. SHE GOES TO THE TIRE POLE, TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND BEGINS TO SHINNY UP. SHE DISAPPEARS UP THE POLE).

The last scene of the episode, in the Kandy Kitchen, is as scripted but has an additional section which appears to have been dropped at rehearsals as there is no edit evident in the sequence.

(THE DOCTOR AND EARL HAVE HIDDEN UNDER THE TABLE)
EARL: What do we do?
DOCTOR: Follow me.
(THE KANDY MAN MOVES TO THE TABLE AND AS HE BENDS DOWN TO LOOK THE DOCTOR AND EARL SLIP OUT AND TAKE COVER BEHIND THE OVEN)
KANDY MAN: There's no one here.
GILBERT M: But I saw them. We had a bit of a chat. They seemed very pleasant.
KANDY MAN: Show me.
(THE DOCTOR AND EARL WATCH)
EARL: I thought you said you wanted to meet him?
DOCTOR: Another time perhaps. At the moment things are looking a bit sticky. We'll aim for the door.

The scene continues as on TV.

{Novel, p47}

PART TWO

The first scene after the reprise is cut: (The Kandy Man closes in on the Doctor and Earl. Gilbert M notices a pot on one of the stoves)

GILBERT M: It's boiling over, Kandy Man.
KANDY MAN: Not now. Gilbert M.
GILBERT M: But the pan's boiling over.
DOCTOR: Ruins the flavour.
KANDY MAN: (TURNS TO GILBERT) It's not my pan. It's one of your pans.
(THE DOCTOR IS SLOWLY MOVING TOWARDS THE MANHOLE COVER IN THE FLOOR)
GILBERT M: It's one of your special nonstick pans.
(THE DOCTOR DISAPPEARS DOWN THE MANHOLE)
KANDY MAN: Can't you see I'm busy?
GILBERT M: It's sticking.
(THE DOCTOR DROPS INTO A PIPE)
DOCTOR: What charming people, eh, Earl.
(HE NOTICES HE IS ALONE)
DOCTOR: Earl?
(THE KANDY MAN STRAPS EARL TO ONE OF THE BARBER CHAIRS. THE DOCTOR'S HEAD POPS BACK UP FROM THE MANHOLE)
KANDY MAN: You've come back to the scene of my crimes.
DOCTOR: I've come back for my friend.
KANDY MAN: It's very simple. Your friend is going to die. Feel free to join him.

{Novel, p48-49}

The following scene is also cut.

(HELEN A SITS IN HER SUITE, WITH FIFI ON HER LAP. ACE STANDS BEFORE THEM)
HELEN A: But we were so looking forward to your performance, weren't we, Fifi?
ACE: I didn't feel like it.
HELEN A: You didn't feel like auditioning for the Happiness Patrol? You didn't feel like dancing?
ACE: I hate dancing.
HELEN A: Well, Fifi, what are we going to do about Ace Sigma?
(FIFI SNARLS AND GROWLS. SHE SNAPS AND TRIES TO LUNGE AT ACE)
HELEN A: You mustn't worry about Fifi. She's only being friendly. Aren't you, my darling? (TO ACE) You're from one of the other planets, aren't you, Ace Sigma?
ACE: I'm from Earth.
HELEN A: You're from Omega or Beta, your mission to spread discontent and dissension. Well. it won't work, Ace Sigma. My people are happy. They don't know the meaning of misery or despair and as long as I'm in charge, I'll make sure they never do.
(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
HELEN A: Happiness will prevail. Come in if you're happy.
(SUSAN Q IS BROUGHT IN BY DAISY K)
HELEN A: Excellent. Where did you find her?
DAISY K: She was hiding in a doorway at the Forum.
HELEN A: You' were hiding? So you were unhappy about something?
SUSAN Q: No.
HELEN A: You were unhappy that Ace Sigma had been caught.
SUSAN Q: No.
HELEN A: You helped her to escape.
SUSAN Q: No!
(SUSAN Q COLLAPSES)
ACE: Why don't you leave her alone, Faceache?
HELEN A: Take Ace Sigma away, Daisy K.
(DAISY K GRABS ACE)
DAISY K: To death row?
HELEN A: Not yet. I haven't finished with her. But for the moment I'm more interested in this miserable creature.
SUSAN Q: I'm not miserable!
HELEN A: I think she's worked out that while she's still happy she's not breaking any laws. But there's a simple solution to that, isn't there, Daisy K?
DAISY K: Very simple.
HELEN A: We make her unhappy.

{Novel, p49-51}

The very next scene is in the Kandy Kitchen. The first half of the scene is missing:

(BOTH THE DOCTOR AND EARL ARE STRAPPED TO THE BARBER CHAIRS. GILBERT AND THE KANDY MAN ARE MEASURING A LIQUID SUBSTANCE INTO TEST TUBES)
KANDY MAN: Twenty-five millilitres of Caramel Extract and fifteen millilitres of the new formula Vanilla Essence.
EARL: What's going on, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I think the chef is trying out a new dish.
KANDY MAN: Comfortable, gentlemen?
DOCTOR: We've been here half an hour and we're still waiting for the hors d'oeuvre.
KANDY MAN: Believe me, Doctor, it's worth waiting for.
(GILBERT HANDS HIM THE TEST TUBES)
KANDY MAN: Temperature?
GILBERT M: Fifty-eight degrees.
KANDY MAN: Thank you, Gilbert. This is where you come in, gentlemen...

It is on this last line that the TV scene starts.
{Novel, p51-52}

The first four scripted scenes above are missing from the TV version, and scenes five and six have been swapped in the re-editing of the TV episode. Scene six in the script is actually the opening scene on TV, with Ace being escorted by the Happiness Patrol and seeing the drone demonstration. After the TV opening scene we cut to the Kandy Kitchen where the previous scene set in the Kitchen, described above, comes in. This is scene seven, the opening of which has been cut.

(EARL IS SLUMPED IN HIS CHAIR, WITH A BEATIFIC GRIN ON HIS FACE. GILBERT M HAS LEFT)
DOCTOR: He looks as if he enjoyed it.
KANDY MAN: I'd be very angry if he hadn't.
DOCTOR: But he's still very much alive.
KANDY MAN: You win some, you lose some.
DOCTOR: What will you do with him?
KANDY MAN: I'll keep trying. Practice makes perfect. Now, let's see what we've got for you.

The TV scene comes in here.
{p56-57}

This is followed by a scene on TV with Ace being dropped off at the new Waiting Zone. The scripted scene is different.

(ACE SLIDES DOWN THE ACCESS CHUTE INTO ARCADIA. SHE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES A BOOTH MARKED 'GET YOUR TOKENS HERE'. THERE IS A BELL ON THE COUNTER WHICH SHE RINGS)
ACE: Service!
(A HAPPINESS PATROL GUARD, NAMED PRISCILLA P, POPS UP FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER, HER GUN POINTING AT ACE)
PRISCILLA P: Serve yourself!

This is Priscilla P's first scene in the story as scripted.

There is a scene on TV where the Doctor and Earl having escaped down the manhole and into the pipes, meet the Pipe People. The start of the follow-up scene is cut.

(THE PIPE IS DARK AND GLOOMY. THEY ARE GUARDED BY ONE OF THE PIPE PEOPLE, HOLDING A SPEAR AND A PICKAXE)
EARL: We could make a break for it. You jump him, grab the poisoned spear, then all you've got to worry about is him taking a swing at your ankles with the pickaxe.
DOCTOR: What do you do?
EARL: I run like the clappers.
DOCTOR: I don't think so. Your part's too risky. Anyway, I want to meet them.
EARL: Only trouble is, I can't keep up with his conversation.
(THE GUARD POKES HIM WITH THE SPEAR)
EARL: All right, all right.
DOCTOR: Here we are. And leave the talking to me.
(TWO MORE PIPE PEOPLE, WULFRIC AND WENCES, ARRIVE).

The TV scene comes in at this point, as the Pipe People search them for 'weapons'.

On TV, after the scene in Helen A's suite which follows the Pipe People scene above, we return to the Waiting Zone on TV. The scripted Arcadia scene is basically the same, but the first half is missing from the TV version.

(ACE AND SUSAN Q ARE PLAYING THE MACHINES IN ARCADIA. PRISCILLA P IS GUARDING THEM)
PRISCILLA P: I took them all on. Killjoys twice my size. Two at a time, even three at a time. No one ever got the better of me.
ACE: I wish she'd give it a rest.
SUSAN Q: Only because you had a gun.
PRISCILLA P: Yes, I had a gun, and unlike some I could name, I wasn't afraid to use it.
SUSAN Q: You loved using it, didn't you. Any excuse.
ACE: You know her?
(PRISCILLA MOVES TOWARDS SUSAN Q AND PRESSES HER GUN AGAINST HER)
PRISCILLA P: Oh, yes, we know each other. This is Susan Q, friend of the killjoy, champion of the miserable. Isn't that right, Susan Q? Well just don't try it in here or else I might find another excuse to use my gun.
(TWO HAPPINESS PATROL GUARDS ARRIVE)

The TV scene comes in at this point, as the guards take Susan away, and Ace is rescued by the Pipe People.

The next scripted scene is on TV, but once again the beginning is missing.

(WULFRIC LEADS THE DOCTOR AND EARL DOWN THE PIPE. WULFRIC STOPS TO LICK A SUGAR STALACTITE. THE DOCTOR BREAKS A PIECE OFF AND TASTES IT)
DOCTOR: Same as before. Where do the pipes lead?
WULFRIC: Beet-domes.
EARL: Beet-domes? Some kind of drum?
DOCTOR: I think he means sugar beet processing plants.
EARL: Of course. The planet's covered with them. I saw them last time I was here.
DOCTOR: You didn't tell me you'd been here before.
EARL: You didn't ask. I did a tour of the Northern Hemisphere. Played gigs at all the sugar factories. Huge places.
DOCTOR: Terrible acoustics.
EARL: And terrible conditions for the workers.
DOCTOR: All in the name of efficiency.

The TV scene comes in here, as the Doctor and Earl discuss the Pipe People's origins

After the scene where the Doctor meets Trevor Sigma again, the beginning of the following scene, in Helen A's suite, has been cut.

(HELEN A STROKES FIFI WHILE DAISY K REPORTS TO HER)
HELEN A: I still don't understand how Priscilla P, one of our most enthusiastic happiness crusaders, came to be overpowered by a defenseless girl.
DAISY K: The girl wasn't alone.
HELEN A: Tell me about her companions. We need that sort of spirit in the Happiness Patrol.
DAISY K: The girl was in league with a vermin.
HELEN A: Priscilla P was defeated by a defenseless girl and a vermin? Is it a joke, Daisy K?

The TV version comes in here.
{Novel, p69}

The next scene is cut.

(ACE IS RUNNING ALONG THE PIPE, HER RUCKSACK SLUNG OVER HER BACK. SHE COMES TO A JUNCTION AND STOPS)
ACE: Left or right?
(THERE IS NOTHING)
ACE: I said left or right?
(WENCES POPS HIS HEAD OUT OF HER RUCKSACK)
WENCES: Right!
(ACE TURNS RIGHT)

The scene that introduces the two snipers on the roof is different in the script. On TV they discuss the new Mark Three weapon, and how the women always get the best guns. On TV the snipers were unnamed.

(WITH THE SOUNDS OF THE DRONE DEMONSTRATION IN THE BACKGROUND, THE TWO SNIPERS ASSEMBLE THEIR WEAPONS AT THE TOP OF A FIRE ESCAPE)
SID S: See the film last night?
STAN S: Dozed through it.
SID S: Enjoy it?
STAN S: OK, I suppose. Apart from the ending.
SID S: But it had a happy ending.
STAN S: Exactly. I used to enjoy a good cry at the end of a film.
SID S: Careful. Dangerous talk.
STAN S: But these days they're all happy endings. You know, what's going to happen before it starts. Good girl gets the guy, bad guys gets the drop.
SID S: That moment when Sorella Sunbeam took out the enemy satellite. She's a real star, that one.
STAN S: That's another thing. Why don't they make films with men in the leading roles?
SID S: You had a bad night last night, didn't you?
STAN S: I don't know why I bother to watch them.
SID S: Something to do.
STAN S: Yeah. Something to do. Speaking of which, what's on today then?
SID S: Drones again. Demonstration.
(THE DEMONSTRATION COMES AROUND THE CORNER)
STAN S: Easy pickings.
SID S: Like taking sweets from a baby.
(THEY READY THEIR WEAPONS)

The next scene is missing from TV, but may not have been actually recorded.

(THE DOCTOR AND TREVOR SIGMA ARE HEADING FOR THE PALACE)
DOCTOR: How many happy people have you found on this planet?
TREVOR: The Bureau isn't concerned with emotions.
DOCTOR: Then the Bureau should go to the Kandy Kitchen.
TREVOR: I've been there. Gilbert M, Kandy Kitchen, naturalised Alphan, confectioner and general factotum.
DOCTOR: I wasn't thinking of him.
TREVOR: You must mean the Kandy Man, Kandy Kitchen, humanoid marshmallow mutant, confectioner and state executioner.
DOCTOR: You didn't find that strange, a little bit sinister.
TREVOR: He's a statistic.
(EARL COMES INTO THE STREET)
EARL: Doctor!
TREVOR: Who's that?
DOCTOR: Just another statistic. Hello, Earl.
EARL: There's a demonstration.
DOCTOR: Who are they?
EARL: They're from the sugar factories. It seems to be about conditions.
DOCTOR: So the killjoys are out in force.
EARL: What shall we do?
DOCTOR: Talk to them. Find out exactly what they are protesting about.

The next few lines of dialogue appear on TV, but in the earlier 'pleasant melancholy' scene with Earl, the Doctor and Trevor Sigma {Novel, p68-69} which suggests the lines were swapped during rehearsals and this entire scene dropped.

DOCTOR: I've got some business at the Palace and then I'll find you.
EARL: How will you know where I am?
DOCTOR: The brandy of the damned, of course.
EARL: What?
DOCTOR: Music, Earl. Play your trumpet for me.

After the TV scene at the Palace where the Doctor meets Helen A, and leaves, taking a soda bottle and fire extinguisher, a short scene is missing.

(HELEN A SITS AT HER CONSOLE. HAPPINESS PATROL GUARDS ARRIVE)
HELEN A: Find the Killjoy and put him out of his misery. Seal the Palace. No more visitors. I don't want this unhappy incident repeated.

After Ace and Wences confront Fifi in the pipes, the next scene, which features Ernest P (who is unnamed on TV), is missing.

(THE DOCTOR IS HIDING AT THE FORUM. THE DOORMAN, ERNEST P, SITS IN HIS BOOTH)
ERNEST P: You want the main entrance, mate. Into the Forum Square, up the steps, can't miss it.
DOCTOR: I'm hiding.
ERNEST P: You need a permit to hide here.
DOCTOR: It's in my other jacket.
ERNEST P: And where's that?
DOCTOR: In my other jacket.
ERNEST P: Listen mate. Authorised personnel and Happiness Patrol candidates only. That's what the memo said.
DOCTOR: This is where they test the Happiness Patrol candidates?
(A HAPPINESS PATROL RUNS PAST. THE DOCTOR DUCKS OUT OF SIGHT. HE POPS UP AGAIN ONCE THEY'VE GONE)
DOCTOR: Some of the successful applicants.
ERNEST P: Some of the few.

{Novel, p80-81}

The scene where the Doctor confronts the two snipers is vastly different in the script.

(STAN S AND SID S PEER DOWN THEIR GUN SIGHTS)
STAN S: See anything?
SID S: They've gone to ground.
(THEY LOWER THEIR GUNS)
STAN S: I don't mind. Good luck to them.
SID S: I'm worried about you, Stan. Wait a minute though. There's one of them.
(THE DOCTOR CAN BE SEEN RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET STILL CARRYING THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND SODA BOTTLE)
SID S: I think he's making a gloriously futile gesture.
(HE RAISES HIS GUN)
SID S: All right. I'll get him. I always feel better with one under my belt.
(STAN KNOCKS SID'S GUN ASIDE)
STAN S: Wait! He's not a drone.
SID S: You're turning into a right killjoy, aren't you. I'm going to have to report you.
(THE DOCTOR CLIMBS UP THE ESCAPE LADDER TOWARDS THEM. SID AND STAN STRUGGLE OVER THE WEAPON. SID BREAKS FREE AND AIMS AT THE DOCTOR)
SID S: Come to Momma, Killjoy.
(THE DOCTOR STOPS)
DOCTOR: Sorella Sunbeam.
(SID AND STAN EXCHANGE PUZZLED LOOKS)
SID S: What?
DOCTOR: 'Come To Momma'. Sorella Sunbeam in that film where she takes out the enemy satellite.
(SID LOWERS THE GUN)
SID S: It was great, wasn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes, I like a nice happy ending myself.
STAN S: Who is this guy?
DOCTOR: A happy ending where the old buddies who've fallen out realise they need each other after all and shake hands on it. Go ahead...
(SID AND STAN SHAKE HANDS. THE DOCTOR TAKES THEIR GUNS)
DOCTOR: And they decide they don't want anything more to do with guns.
(HE THROWS THE WEAPONS OVER THE SIDE OF THE FIRE ESCAPE)
DOCTOR: And finally they say goodbye to the mysterious stranger. Goodbye.
(HE DOFFS HIS HAT AND GOES)

The end of the scene where the Doctor frees the Kandy Man, who is stuck to the floor, is missing.

(THE DOCTOR SQUIRTS THE KANDY MAN'S FEET WITH THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER. FREEING HIM. GILBERT M EXAMINES THE CYLINDER)
GILBERT M: Of course! I remember now. Water! Now, where are my notes?
(GILBERT RUSHES OUT. THE KANDY MAN PULLS THE GIANT LEVERS. ACE, IN THE PIPES, HEARS THE SOUND OF FOAM RUSHING TOWARDS HER)

{p88}

The final scene on TV, with the Doctor at the Forum entrance is split by a scene missing from TV. The split comes after Ernest's line 'attendance is compulsory'.

(A QUEUE IS BUILDING AT ANOTHER FORUM ENTRANCE FURTHER DOWN THE STREET. AT THE DOOR, A MAN AND WOMAN ARE STOPPED BY PRISCILLA P WITH HER PATROL)
PRISCILLA P: What's the definition of a polygon?
(THE MAN AND WOMAN LOOK BLANK)
PRISCILLA P: A dead parrot!
(THE COUPLE LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY)
PRISCILLA P: They're OK.
(THE COUPLE ARE USHERED INSIDE, AND ANOTHER COUPLE TAKES THEIR PLACE AT 'THE HEAD OF THE QUEUE)
PRISCILLA P: What's the definition of a polygon?
(THE COUPLE LOOK BLANK)
PRISCILLA P: A plane figure contained by more than four sides.
(THE COUPLE LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY)
PRISCILLA P: They're faking. Take them away.
(THE COUPLE ARE CARTED OFF BY THE HAPPINESS PATROL)

{Novel, p94-95}

The episode ends on TV with the Doctor's realisation that Ace is in danger in the Forum. The scripted cliffhanger ends on a different scene, which was recorded but held over to open Part Three.

(ACE AND SUSAN Q ARE BEING FROGMARCHED BY DAISY K AND THE HAPPINESS PATROL)
DAISY K: Big smiles, girls. Showtime soon.

{Novel, p97}

PART THREE

The first scripted scene is missing. and follows directly on from the scripted cliffhanger.

(ACE AND SUSAN BEING MARCHED TO THE FORUM GATES)
SUSAN Q: As long as you're looking cute, you have a chance.
ACE: Cute!
SUSAN Q: Don't give up. We might get through alive.
(THEY PASS A SPEAKER PLAYING MUZAK)
ACE: I hate that music.
SUSAN Q: You're not the only one.
(A SHOT RINGS OUT. THE SPEAKER IS BLASTED FROM THE WALL)
DAISY K: Sniper! Down! Lucy O, Jane M - Covering fire! The rest of you, go for that sniper!
(SEVERAL OF THE PATROL DROP INTO POSITION. DAISY SNEAKS QUIETLY AWAY)
ACE: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SUSAN Q: People get killed thinking like that.
ACE: People get killed anyway. Now!
(THEY MAKE A BREAK FOR IT. IN THE CONFUSION THE HAPPINESS PATROL DON'T NOTICE. ACE AND SUSAN DODGE INTO A DOOR WHICH IS THE ONE WHERE DAISY IS HIDING, THEY STARE IN SURPRISE, THEN DAISY K RAISES HER GUN. ACE AND SUSAN Q RAISE THEIR HANDS)
ACE: Face-ache!

{Novel, p97-98}

The next scene is on TV, but the end has been chopped. After Ernest P's line that it's a miracle if anyone survives the Miracle Survival Act, the script continues.

DOCTOR: I see.
ERNEST P: She's on next. Should be arriving any minute. You can slip in here if you want.
DOCTOR: I'll wait, thank you.
(THE DOCTOR NOTICES A MICROPHONE SET UP AT THE TOP OF THE STEPS TO THE FORUM)
DOCTOR: What's the microphone for?
ERNEST P: That's for speeches and prizegiving. At the end of the show Helen A congratulates the successful candidates and presents them with their Happiness Patrol badges.
DOCTOR: I hate long speeches.
ERNEST P: You're in luck then.
DOCTOR: Eh?
ERNEST P: None of the candidates will be successful!

The next scene is also cut.

(ACE AND SUSAN Q ARE BEING ESCORTED BY DAISY K)
SUSAN Q: Remember, flutter your eyelids and lots of teeth in your smile.
ACE: I'd rather lob something at them.
SUSAN Q: And remember to use your dimples.
ACE: I'd use more than my dimples.
DAISY K: Quiet!

{Novel, p99}

After the TV scene on the Forum steps where Trevor unrolls the list of missing Terra Alphans, there is this short scene.

(HELEN A PICKS FIFI UP, FASTENS A LEAD TO HER NECK, AND TAKES HER TO A GRILL. THE EYES OF THE PIPE PEOPLE CAN BE SEEN WATCHING. FIFI GROWLS)
HELEN A: Walkies!

The end of the scene where the Doctor sings 'As Time Goes By' has been cropped for TV. The TV scene ends as the Doctor repeats the line 'As time goes by'. The script continues.

DOCTOR: (TO EARL) We've got Ace arriving first, with her guards, of course, and you're bringing the drones, which only leaves the Happiness Patrol section sent by Helen A to make us all disappear in the nastiest possible way.
EARL: Sounds complicated.
DOCTOR: It's simplicity itself. But you have to help me. And you'll have to get the time just right.
EARL: What sort of time would you like, Doctor? How about this?
(EARL PLAYS A SNATCH OF MUSIC)
DOCTOR: Play it by ear. Earl.

{Novel, p106}

There is a scene on TV, where the Doctor, Ace, Susan Q and Earl arrive in the go-kart and the Doctor stops at a manhole, saying he is going 'to the top'. The scripted scene has much more dialogue:

(A QUIET STREET APART FROM THE MUZAK. THE HAPPICAR COMES AROUND THE CORNER)
DOCTOR: Here we are. Journey's end.
ACE: But there's nothing here.
DOCTOR: On the contrary. Ace. But you need to know where to look.
SUSAN Q: We're not far from Arcadia.
DOCTOR: Exactly. Arcadia. Lock people up and then insist they enjoy themselves on pain of death. The key to Helen A's basic understanding of human psychology. You can't force people to be happy. It's like music. Where does your music come from Earl?
EARL: (PATTING HIS HEART) Inside.
DOCTOR: Right. And however long you practice, if you ain't got swing...
EARL: You ain't got swing. But you've got swing, Doctor.
DOCTOR: So, I suggest that a good place to start is Arcadia. Susan Q, Earl?
EARL: We're already there, Doctor.
(EARL AND SUSAN Q GET OUT OF THE HAPPICAR AND HEAD OFF DOWN THE STREET)
ACE: Putting the boot into Arcadia. What a great idea.
DOCTOR: Do you want to go with them, Ace?
ACE: Let's stick together, Professor.
DOCTOR: Good. We've got things to do.
(THEY GET OUT OF THE HAPPICAR. THE DOCTOR STARTS STRUGGLING WITH A MANHOLE COVER)
DOCTOR: Give me hand with the other side of this. (SHE HELPS) So what have you been up to while I haven't been able to keep an eye on you?
ACE: Nothing much.
DOCTOR: Not too profligate with the nitro, I hope.
ACE: I lobbed a can.
DOCTOR: Who was the unfortunate recipient?
ACE: A rat called Fifi. It was annoying me.
DOCTOR: Not half as much, I suspect, as you annoyed it. There we are.
(THE MANHOLE COVER COMES OFF)
ACE: So where are we going, Professor?
DOCTOR: To the top.
(HE JUMPS INTO THE HOLE)

{Novel, p110}

All the subsequent scenes set at Arcadia are different to the Waiting Zone ones on TV.

(DAISY K IS AT ONE OF THE MACHINES. PRISCILLA P STANDS CLOSE BY, HER GUN TRAINED ON DAISY. DAISY STOPS)
PRISCILLA P: Keep playing! Enjoy yourself!
(DAISY GOES BACK TO THE GAME)
DAISY K: For the last time, Priscilla P, I am not a killjoy.
PRISCILLA P: I've been hunting killjoys for five years.
DAISY K: I don't care it you've been hunting them for five hundred years. I am not a killjoy.
PRISCILLA P: You pick up a lot in five years on the streets. You can see it in their eyes. You can smell them at a hundred yards. You feel it in your gut.
(HELEN A SLIDES DOWN THE CHUTE. PRISCILLA SWINGS THE GUN ON HER)
PRISCILLA P: The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end.
(HELEN A TAKES THE GUN)
HELEN A: It's all right, Priscilla P. I've come to relieve you of the prisoner.
DAISY K: Shall I take her to the Kandy Man?
HELEN A: Not for doing her job, Daisy K. Where are the others?
DAISY K: Others?
HELEN A: I understood there to be an entire Happiness Patrol section involved in the fiasco at the Forum. I only see two of you.
(NOBODY SPEAKS)
HELEN A: Well? I won't bite!
DAISY K: The others left with the drones.
HELEN A: Really?
PRISCILLA P: They said they were going to put the sugar factories out of action. I tried to stop them but...
HELEN A: Thank you, Priscilla P. Daisy K, I think you and I need a little chat.
PRISCILLA P: She's a killjoy, ma'am.
HELEN A: I'll deal with it now.
PRISCILLA P: What shall I do, ma'am?
HELEN A: Stay at your post, Priscilla P. Prepare for prisoners.

{Novel, p112-113}

This leads into a cut scene.

(HELEN A AND DAISY K ARRIVE AT HELEN'S SUITE. HELEN POURS DAISY A CUP OF TEA)
HELEN A: Tell me, Daisy K, when the Happiness Patrol got together with the Drones and decided to form a wrecking gang in order to dismantle the sugar factories, what were you doing at the time? Just interested.
DAISY K: I was under armed guard.
HELEN A: Priscilla P?
DAISY K: Yes.
HELEN A: Ah. It's just that I thought you were equipped with a high velocity fun gun, that's all.
DAISY K: It was knocked out of my hand by one of the prisoners.
HELEN A: One of the prisoners?
DAISY K: Ace Sigma.
HELEN A: Ace Sigma. I wondered when Ace Sigma would turn up to haunt me again. Not that I mind, you understand.
DAISY K: Of course not.
HELEN A: A charming girl in so many ways.

{Novel, p113-114}

Oddly, much of the televised scenes in the pipes where the Doctor and Earl discuss Sympathetic Vibration and Dr John Wallace's paper to the Royal Society in 1677 do not appear in the script. The scripted scenes do not have any dialogue at all.

After Fifi is buried by a sugar-icicle fall, the subsequent scene in the pipe is cut.

(DUST DRIFTS DOWN TOWARDS THEM)
ACE: Ace!
DOCTOR: Yes, it was one of our better collaborations.
(THE PIPE PEOPLE ARE JUBILANT)
WULFRIC: Many.
WENCES: Thanks.
WULFRIC: Doctor.
WENCES: Ace.
DOCTOR: Don't mention it. Anyway, it's your turn to help us now.
WULFRIC: How?
DOCTOR: Ace and I are going visiting. I know where we're going but I haven't the foggiest idea how to get there. To me, this section of pipe looks very much like another section of pipe, Ace?
ACE: Same here.
DOCTOR: So we're looking for a couple of pipe pilots.

On TV, Priscilla P is at the Waiting Zone, and is attacked from behind by Susan Q. The script is different.

(PRISCILLA P IS AT ARCADIA, LISTENING TO MUZAK FROM AN OLD FASHIONED WIRELESS RADIO. SHE HEARS THE NOISE OF A TRUMPET AND SWITCHES OFF THE RADIO. THE MUSIC CONTINUES, SHE LOOKS AROUND THE CHAMBER TRYING TO FIND THE SOURCE OF THE MUSIC. SHE REALISES IT IS COMING FROM THE ACCESS CHUTE. SHE LOOKS UP - AND A PAIR OF HANDS REACH DOWN, GRAB HER AND PULL HER UP)

This then cuts to Helen A's suite. The scene appears on TV, but the beginning is missing.

(HELEN A IS SITTING CALMLY, WHILE DAISY K PACES NERVOUSLY. SOFT MUZAK IS PLAYING)
HELEN A: You seem agitated, Daisy K.
DAISY K: It's crumbling around us, isn't it?
HELEN A: Not unhappy about something. I hope?
DAISY K: No!
HELEN A: Good. Because when the Doctor is picked up and brought in I don't want there to be anything for him to smile about.
(THE MUZAK STOPS)

The TV scene comes in at this point as the muzak announcement comes over about the riots, ending with their discovery of a bound and gagged Priscilla P.

{Novel, p119}

The death of the Kandy Man is somewhat confusing on TV due to editing. There are several interim scenes missing from the TV version. This is how the script describes it.

(THE KANDY MAN HAS GONE INTO THE PIPES. THE PIPE PEOPLE COME INTO THE KITCHEN AND START PULLING THE LEVERS. IN THE PIPE THE KANDY MAN HEARS THE SOUND OF RUSHING LIQUIDS. GILBERT M ENTERS THE KITCHEN)
GILBERT M: Kandy Man! Kandy Man! What have you done to him?
(THE KANDY MAN IS CRAWLING ALONG THE DOOMPIPE. THERE IS A RUSHING START BEHIND HIM. HE TRIES TO MOVE FASTER. HE STOPS SUDDENLY THEN SMILES)
KANDY MAN: Ah well. I gave it my best shot.
(THE RUSHING NOISE CRESCENDOS INTO A ROAR. GILBERT HAS LEFT THE KITCHEN. THE DOCTOR AND ACE COME IN FROM THE STREET)
DOCTOR: Wulfric. Wences. What did you do?
(WULFRIC POINTS TO THE FONDANT SURPRISE MECHANISM)
DOCTOR: I thought so. Now let's see.
(HE CONSULTS A CHART ON THE WALL)
DOCTOR: Citric acid, benzoic acid and salicylic acid. The Kandy Man won't get very far with that lot chasing him down the pipe. Come on, Ace. And you, pipe pilots.
ACE: Where to now, Professor?
DOCTOR: Our next port of call.

{Novel, p126-127}

Gilbert and Joseph then find the remains of the Kandy. Man in an overflow pipe as on TV. This is followed by a scene which has had its beginning chopped.

(THE DOCTOR, ACE AND THE PIPE PEOPLE ARE MOVING DOWN THE PIPE)
ACE: Professor, look!
(THEY SEE THAT THEIR WAY IS BLOCKED BY A WALL BUILT ACROSS THE PIPE. ACROSS THE WALL IS SCRAWLED 'GIVE PEACE A' FOLLOWED BY A SCRAWL OF PAINT AS IF THE WRITER WAS SUDDENLY INTERRUPTED)
DOCTOR: Kindred spirit of yours, Ace.
ACE: Nice lettering style.
WENCES: Killjoy.
WULFRIC: Murdered.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid so, Wulfric. Still, Helen A's days are numbered now. The writing's on the wall.
ACE: Why is it here? The wall.
DOCTOR: It marks the fortifications surrounding Helen A's inner sanctum.
(ACE EXAMINES THE WALL WITH A SPECIALIST'S EYE)
ACE: It's an insult. Professor. Whoever put this up hadn't heard of gunpowder, let alone Nitro-9.

{Novel, p131-132}

This leads into the TV scene where the Doctor says farewell to the Pipe People. They then hear the sound of the shuttle taking off - which actually forms the end of another scene that was cut.

(THE DOCTOR AND ACE PLACE CANS OF NITRO AT STRATEGIC POINTS ALONG THE FOOT OF THE WALL)
ACE: It needs another one at your end, Professor. Catch.
(SHE THROWS A CAN AT HIM, WHICH HE CATCHES)
DOCTOR: I don't want to be a killjoy, Ace, but I think that's enough.
ACE: Maybe, Professor. But it's not a question of quantity. It's about stress points, symmetry, detonators. It's a very complicated equation.
DOCTOR: The aesthetics of the explosion?
ACE: Something like that.
DOCTOR: And it's not because the bigger the blast the more you like it?
ACE: Who, me?
(THERE IS A DISTANT SOUND)
ACE: What was that?
DOCTOR: It was a launch. Sounded like a shuttle.

{Novel, p132}

After a few TV scenes the above sequence continues with a missing scene where the Nitro-9 explodes and blows a hole in the wall. The Doctor and Ace move forward. This leads into the next TV scene which has had the beginning cut.

(HELEN A SITS IN HAPPINESS PATROL HQ WATCHING THE SCREEN SHOWING JOSEPH C AND GILBERT M LEAVING THE PLANET IN HER SHUTTLE. DAISY K COMES IN)
DAISY K: You came back.
HELEN A: I never went away.
DAISY K: But I thought I heard...
(HELEN TURNS OFF THE SCREEN)
HELEN A: Really? I didn't hear anything. Is everything still all right?
DAISY K: Helen A, you know it isn't. The factories are overrun, the Kandy Man is dead...
HELEN A: Stop!
DAISY K: You must understand! The Doctor is closing in on us...
HELEN A: Stop! I asked you if everything was still alright.
(DAISY K DOESN'T REPLY)
HELEN A: And we're both happy?
(DAISY K DOESN'T REPLY. HELEN A TAKES A GUN OUT OF HER SUITCASE AND POINTS IT AT DAISY K)
HELEN A: We are both happy, aren't we?
(BEFORE DAISY SPEAKS THERE IS A NOISE ABOVE THEM. HELEN A GRABS HER CASE AND RUNS FOR THE DOOR. SHE TURNS TO FACE DAISY K)
HELEN A: Happiness will prevail, Daisy K.
(HELEN A THROWS THE GUN TO DAISY K, GOES OUT AND CLOSES THE DOOR. THE DOCTOR ENTERS)

The scene continues as on TV.
{Novel, p133-134}

[Fi fi]
Rochelle Thickpenny

The script ends with the Doctor and Ace leaving Helen A to grieve over Fifi. (Ace: 'Should we do something, Doctor?' Doctor: 'It is done'). On TV, the final scene was an extra sequence - involving the repainting of the TARDIS - added at the insistence of the producer and the director.
{Novel, p138}

References:
DreamWatch Bulletin Compendium
Doctor Who Magazine 147, 173
Private Who 15

This item appeared in TSV 42 (January 1995).

Index nodes: Script to Screen, The Happiness Patrol